Calling

   Have you ever had a vision? Not a dream or a day dream but a vision? After it was over you just KNEW that it was what you were suppose to do. It was your calling from Christ? I have had several but all centered around one thing. Just one thing truly make me happy and has even before I got my calling.
  A little background about me. I grew up not in a worthy home. I remember many night my mother not eating because she wanted to make sure we had food and she went without. She didnt know that I noticed. I saw the brokenness in her because of this. I remember that feeling I had a child and I swore to myself when I grew up that I would do what I could so another mother wouldnt have to feel that. As a teen I slipped away fom that. I pushed that back in my mind and I wanted to be something great. I wanted to do what I wanted to do with my life. But then because of one reason or another I havent become something great in the definition of what the world considers successful. But I am a mother and I still remember that little girls feeling of knowing her mother went hungry.
   So about a year and a half ago I was out mowing the grass and as clear as day I had this vision wash over me. It felt so tangible. I could see the colors. I could feel everything. I felt like I was standing in front of this sign. It was this beautiful sign and I saw the name and I knew. I had several others through out this past year. It has gotten stronger and more clear. Then on Thanksgiving I was able to help out and bless many homeless people. The joy I felt and the rush I got from being able to prove what I did was so rewarding. It gave me the conformation I needed.
  I am ready to walk in my calling. I am ready to do this. I have this burning and desire to feed the needy. To be able to provide dry goods, canned foods, meals and eventually meats for the needy and homeless. I have had so many people try to discourage me from my "dream". I have had many say there are too many people in need to do this. You will not be able to keep up. You will not be able to do this. Well to them I say "I WILL DO THIS!!!!!! MY GOD WILL PROVIDE THE MEANS TO DO THIS!!!!" The diffenerce is I have faith that He can and do ALL things according to HIS riches and glory. In HIM all things are possible. Jesus said ask these thing in MY name I will give you the desires of your heart. Well my heart is broken seeing and hearing all the things about people straving to death. People going without what we all take for granted, which is knowing we do have a next meal coming. Have you ever wondered when you will eat again? Have you ever went to bed hungry and knowing you will not have anything in the morning to stop the pains. Have you ever told your child who is crying for food, "im sorry I cant feed you?" Have you ever?!!!! Try it one day. Go one day without food and then after tell me I am crazy for this. Tell me it is a ridiculous dream to have. Tell me that you dont pray to God begging for food. Tell me your heart doesnt break when you watch your child die because he or she couldnt be feed. Tell me then how crazy I am for having this desire.
  I was given a gift from God to be able to cook. It is a gift that I HAVE TO share!!! I dont want to do anything else. I have no desire to do anything else. My hearts desire is to feed people. I have thought many years of what I want to do when I grew up and I cant see myself anywhere else. To be able to do this would give some many people hope. Hope is such a powerful thing to have. Because without hope you have nothing. You have no will or drive for anything. It is such a scary feeling to be hopeless. That is why I know I am to call my food pantry/ soup kitchen Harvesting Hope. Because that is exactly what we will be doing. We will be giving them the harvest and giving the hope that they so desperately need.  
  So I ask you......... are you walking in your calling? Do you know what God has called you do? Are you afraid to do what He has called you to do? Have you not done it because it doesnt make sense to you? Well I can tell you fear is not from god. And things are done in His time. I know I havent started because it didnt make sence to me and I let others words start to detour me. But I woke up today ready! I am very excited! I have no idea where to start or how to start but you know what?! God will show me the how and He will lead the way and I will follow. Are you ready to follow him? I know this will work and this will be a wonderful journey for me. Do you want to know how I know? I know because I have faith!!!!!

Have you ever.............................

   Have you ever been in a place and knew that you were meant to be there? That every word spoken was meant for your ears to hear and for your heart to receive? Then you begin to weep. And you look around and no one else is crying, noone else looks effected by it. That is how I felt today in bible study. And well every Tuesday since it has began. I know this is for me. I want to receive it. I want to take that step up in His presence and to be close to Him. But the things I hear in my head are holding me back. I cant make it go away. Its grip is trying to take every last bit of breath out of me. I have so much desire to keep my eyes on Him. But how much more is one to endore. I find myself asking daily, why?! Why am I going through this now? What has happened now to cause this? My kids have been great, my marriage is wonderful and my life seemed to be going along smoothly. I was happy, I was bubbly and I know people looked forward to seeing me because I have been so happy. What  happened to that? I woke up one day and it literally felt like it was ripped away from me. I feel like im in mourning. Have you every felt that way? I thought I had dealt with my addiction. I thought they were behind me, beneath me, cast out! So how did it creep back in, up and around me!
   Have you ever been to a cross roads in your life? Have you ever been able to actually see it in your spirit? You can see yourself walking down one path and you can see what kind of destruction will come along if you go that way. Then you see yourself go the other way and see even more terrible things. So much darkness that way. But then you see that peaceful path. The one that has a few hiccups along the way but you can see the end. At the end is this beautiful light this over whelming peace. So now you are brought back to where you have to actually choose which way to go. And why is it that the choice is so hard. Even "knowing" what lies ahead in each path we have a hard time taken that right step. I feel like that is where Im at now! But I feel like I have things trying to pull me down the one I know will be the wrong way. I am so scared. I feel so alone! I want to scream, Lord, Im here. Take my hand Lord. I want to follow. I want to go with you Lord.  Oh Jesus I need you! But then I realize He hasnt ever left me. He is here. He is the one gently nudging me and whispering in my ear. "Oh dear child, I have not left you. I am not holding your hand because I am carrying you through this" " My perious child I will show you the path. I will take care of you." " what you have asked in my name I will do. You are not alone. I am here"

Cravings..................written 1/25/11

  I have been "feeling" not myself for sometime. I have been "feeling" things coming upon me. Creeping in my mind and slowly trying to widdle themselves into my soul. Many of you know I have had issues with drugs and alcohol and lately I have had this over whelming temptation to drink. The urges have been greater then ever before. It seems everywhere I go or turn it is right there staring me in the face and I can hear this voice inside my head that says "oh come on! Just one wont hurt" "The bible doesnt say you can't drink. It just say not be to a drunker." I have prayed silently about this and I have begged for this to go away. I feel so weak. I feel so wiped. This past weekend I wanted nothing more then to just go get a beer and go into the corner and hide from the world so noone could see me. I am sitting here with worship music on, tears steaming down my face and my spirit is fight this, this thing, this strong hold that wont loose it grip on my life. Situations are coming up and bitterness is coming up. Anger, hate, fear, mistrust, envy and all these negative things are fighting to stay in my mind. I am not like that anymore. I am not that person! I am a happy person, a positive person, a helpful person. These last 3 years has been such a wonderful journey. I know God is trying to take me higher with my walk with Him and I know this is just the devil trying to take me back! But I will not go back!!!!! I guess i am writing this to say I am in need of prayer. If any of you have every dealt with addiction then you know what im experiencing. Everyone says that it is normal to keep having these urges or cravings! I dont want it to be just the norm. I want to be healed! I want to be whole! I want to never have a desire to have another drink in my life! Lord, I pray that I never go through this again! I dont feel like me. I dont want to feel empty. I dont want to feel this. Please take this from me.

Just a test

Well I am new to this blogging thing but I have always wanted to make a page for a long time. However this is just to see if I did this right. So testing 1,2,3........;o)