Have you ever.............................

   Have you ever been in a place and knew that you were meant to be there? That every word spoken was meant for your ears to hear and for your heart to receive? Then you begin to weep. And you look around and no one else is crying, noone else looks effected by it. That is how I felt today in bible study. And well every Tuesday since it has began. I know this is for me. I want to receive it. I want to take that step up in His presence and to be close to Him. But the things I hear in my head are holding me back. I cant make it go away. Its grip is trying to take every last bit of breath out of me. I have so much desire to keep my eyes on Him. But how much more is one to endore. I find myself asking daily, why?! Why am I going through this now? What has happened now to cause this? My kids have been great, my marriage is wonderful and my life seemed to be going along smoothly. I was happy, I was bubbly and I know people looked forward to seeing me because I have been so happy. What  happened to that? I woke up one day and it literally felt like it was ripped away from me. I feel like im in mourning. Have you every felt that way? I thought I had dealt with my addiction. I thought they were behind me, beneath me, cast out! So how did it creep back in, up and around me!
   Have you ever been to a cross roads in your life? Have you ever been able to actually see it in your spirit? You can see yourself walking down one path and you can see what kind of destruction will come along if you go that way. Then you see yourself go the other way and see even more terrible things. So much darkness that way. But then you see that peaceful path. The one that has a few hiccups along the way but you can see the end. At the end is this beautiful light this over whelming peace. So now you are brought back to where you have to actually choose which way to go. And why is it that the choice is so hard. Even "knowing" what lies ahead in each path we have a hard time taken that right step. I feel like that is where Im at now! But I feel like I have things trying to pull me down the one I know will be the wrong way. I am so scared. I feel so alone! I want to scream, Lord, Im here. Take my hand Lord. I want to follow. I want to go with you Lord.  Oh Jesus I need you! But then I realize He hasnt ever left me. He is here. He is the one gently nudging me and whispering in my ear. "Oh dear child, I have not left you. I am not holding your hand because I am carrying you through this" " My perious child I will show you the path. I will take care of you." " what you have asked in my name I will do. You are not alone. I am here"