Cravings..................written 1/25/11

  I have been "feeling" not myself for sometime. I have been "feeling" things coming upon me. Creeping in my mind and slowly trying to widdle themselves into my soul. Many of you know I have had issues with drugs and alcohol and lately I have had this over whelming temptation to drink. The urges have been greater then ever before. It seems everywhere I go or turn it is right there staring me in the face and I can hear this voice inside my head that says "oh come on! Just one wont hurt" "The bible doesnt say you can't drink. It just say not be to a drunker." I have prayed silently about this and I have begged for this to go away. I feel so weak. I feel so wiped. This past weekend I wanted nothing more then to just go get a beer and go into the corner and hide from the world so noone could see me. I am sitting here with worship music on, tears steaming down my face and my spirit is fight this, this thing, this strong hold that wont loose it grip on my life. Situations are coming up and bitterness is coming up. Anger, hate, fear, mistrust, envy and all these negative things are fighting to stay in my mind. I am not like that anymore. I am not that person! I am a happy person, a positive person, a helpful person. These last 3 years has been such a wonderful journey. I know God is trying to take me higher with my walk with Him and I know this is just the devil trying to take me back! But I will not go back!!!!! I guess i am writing this to say I am in need of prayer. If any of you have every dealt with addiction then you know what im experiencing. Everyone says that it is normal to keep having these urges or cravings! I dont want it to be just the norm. I want to be healed! I want to be whole! I want to never have a desire to have another drink in my life! Lord, I pray that I never go through this again! I dont feel like me. I dont want to feel empty. I dont want to feel this. Please take this from me.